I venture over to the West Country for a date with an old friend, and wonder if getting out of London might be the way forward
I had a date with an old friend last weekend, someone I once lived with in a big house share. We called it the orphanage on account of it having a whopping 10 beds, and it was absolute carnage, as you’d expect with a house full of attractive young people with a little bit of cash post-university. I arrived one Spring fleeing domestic abuse at the ripe old age of 23, and quickly realised I had landed on my feet, scathed but still going, and in great place to make new friends. These were among the most self-destructive days of my life, but I felt there were great new possibilities and I look back on this time with affection. I also miss my hair of that era desperately. Youth is wasted on the young, as they say.
Let’s get back on Tom before I doze off into a nostalgic stupor, dreaming of my formerly giant hair and pert breasts. He was a populate housemate, easy-going and self-assured. I liked his offbeat sense of humour and direct but non-combative nature. I remember the time four of us skipped into the lounge pumped to watch the new Flight of the Conchords episode as it aired, only to find our reluctant ‘dad of the house’ in the middle of a long arthouse flick. Tom addressed the situation immediately and we got to watch our favourite show, albeit there was rather sour-faced addition to the party on that occasion.
A lot of funny things happened in that house back in the day, dramas and scandals. Tom eventually got together with another housemate, as did I, I moved to London whereas he stayed in Bristol, and somewhere in the 2010s we lost touch.
I hadn’t seen him in many years when he popped up on WhatsApp a few weeks back, with praise for my erotic stories he had come across (couldn’t resist, sorry) online. He seemed pretty fresh out of a breakup, and I got the sense he was scouting around for a hook-up when all of a sudden he asked me on a proper date, inviting me to a film festival and dinner.
While it would involve schlepping over to Bristol, the prospect of a nice time with a man who was a known quantity was too good to refuse for this burnt-out London dater. I said yes without checking if any other friends were around that weekend, and they weren’t, so it seemed I was about to toddle off to the South West just for a date. But what the hey, beggars can’t be choosers can they.
The date came around, and OOF, it was good. I had fun, I felt listened to, I felt comfortable and respected. I was stimulated by his company and felt for the first time in ages that magically rare thing – the sweet spot between safety and excitement.
Quick musing, humour me – is this feeling a spot between two poles, or is it high levels of two different but not opposite things? I think the latter, on reflection. An analogy that springs to mind is that of one of those simulated skydives in a wind tunnel. I wouldn’t particularly want to do that, but my god the feeling of this date was good, like being in a warm bath after a shoeless winter in an icy tundra. I allowed myself to luxuriate in it a bit, writing about the date and counting no less than fourteen green flags I’d observed, which collectively indicated four or five good things about Tom’s character, all things I would appreciate in a partner.
It occurred to me that my best dates over the past eighteen months have been both been field trips outside of London. There was a wild one last Winter in the North East, one that came about by chance after I accidentally picked up a few dating app matches on a train ride, not realising they were not in London. Similar to Tom, I was taken out for a nice dinner, treated respectfully i.e. not lunged at, and in general had a great time.
This should not be a big deal in my opinion, it should be the minimum standard, but it feels like a big deal after dating in a big metropolis.
There’s a theory that in places with an oversupply of women a la London or New York that this impacts male behaviour in the heterosexual dating environment. Apparently they are more likely to cheat, less likely to enter relationships and more likely to have multiple sexual partners at once. Put simply, there is always someone new around the corner so they don’t stick around, and treat women worse compared to where there is a more even balance of the sexes.
I came across this idea on the Girl’s Gotta East podcast, an episode featuring John Birger, author of Date-Onomics: How dating became a lopsided numbers game. John notes that he didn’t come up with the idea himself – that was a woman researcher in the 1960s whose name escapes me – but he has taken it forward and collected some evidence to support it. Side note – I can’t vouch for his first book or the evidence behind the theory, but I have read his subsequent book, Make Your Move, which was his attempt to manoeuvre from dating theory into practical dating advice. I recommend it if you are a woman who struggles to ask men out but note it is very much for the American market – I think there are some cultural differences with the UK probably. Interesting and still valid, in my view.
Thinking again about geography, demography and field trips, another episode of the same podcast was useful, the show’s second episode with body-positivity influencer and entrepreneur Katie Sturino. Katie talks about how, fed up of the shallow New York dating scene, she had friends in other cities log into her dating apps and queue matches. She then hopped on to arrange dates with those she liked and flew around the country to meet them.
So I figure here’s the thing. Like Katie, I am a proactive person who will try something new when my old methods aren’t working. I hate a plane ride but love a train, hell yes. And increasingly I find dating in the capital of the UK an absolute drag. I could go on field trips like Katie did! I could travel for work meetings in cities where my employer has an office base, do pet sitting in parts of the country I haven’t seen, and visit neglected provincial friends, cheering up their dreary lives and doing something for me at the same time.
I am not convinced I want to leave London for another part of the UK- I’m not against it, but there is nowhere at this point that really appeals. But who knows, it could be possible to meet someone who is looking for a change of scenery. And of course, London is a great place to be, dating scene aside.