In praise of sober dating

Continuing dry January through February? Recently sober and not yet hit the date milestone? I advocate for sober dating and give some top tips

I quit drinking alcohol towards the end of 2020, just ahead of a big breakup that I could see coming, a move I think is pretty ballsy. I’ve been teetotal ever since, maintaining my sobriety through insanely stressful periods at work, gnarly family problems and learning my ex was seeing someone new. Oh, and the global pandemic, not forgetting that.

Being alcohol-free has enriched my life in all the ways I wanted. I can no longer drink my way through a flight and must scrape by with a few sedatives and some silly breathing exercises, that is one tangible downside. But on the upside, I have more time, more energy, more cash to splash. My mood has lifted and I’ve carved out the space to do more with my life.  

Best of all, I’ve learnt I can rely on myself. I can navigate difficult feelings and situations without using alcohol, and this has improved my confidence and self-belief massively. I’ve honed a few things out of necessity as I tread this sober road; communication, boundaries and self-care, notably. But in many instances, I’ve found things were actually much easier than I expected riding bare-back. Nothing was lacking all along.

So far, so good, right? But what has being sober meant for my love life?

Well, in the slightly precarious early weeks, I felt those first-date nerves a bit more. I also experienced some self-consciousness about my decision to quit.

Let’s be honest, first dates can be nerve-wracking. Sometimes I’m on blinding form, on other days my hair doesn’t work, my social anxiety plays up, or I fudge my words. The ‘perfect storm’ seems to involve pre-menstrual hormones, something about the setting feeling off and being caught off guard by a date who is much more attractive in real life. The stakes are high and I feel ill-equipped, basically.

Whereas I generally used to have couple of drinks during a standard-issue first date, I had to learn to navigate those nerves solo. I remember a particular time in Florence, skulking round the beautiful historic streets waiting for a local guy. He was late, and in that brief additional thinking time panic suddenly descended and I felt a powerful urge to knock back a large gin and tonic. Luckily it was a Sunday night and nothing much was open, so my sobriety remained intact, unlike my hair, clothes and hotel room.

On other occasions, I felt a tingle of self-consciousness when I explained I don’t drink. I suppose back then I still felt it conveyed an inadequacy; I couldn’t drink ‘normally’ and had to stop. This quickly subsided as I came to appreciate that drinking ‘normally’ is incredibly challenging because, spoiler, alcohol is highly addictive, full of sugar (also addictive), and provides brief respite from your problems.  

Now I see myself as strong, both for liberating myself from a habit that is hard to break and for going against the grain socially.

And I see being sober as a real winner when it comes to dating for three reasons.

First off, I know when I’m having a good time and when I’m not. No more drinking through a mediocre date, staying out later than I wanted all jacked up on sugar, wasting time and money. I want to know if we click when we are fully ourselves.

Secondly, dating sometimes involves sex, and that is much better when your nerves are not deadened by alcohol. You can feel everything physically – hopefully a good thing – and you also feel the full weight of the nervous anticipation rather than the faux-confidence of the drink. Those nerves tell you something is important or worthwhile. Later, you’ll learn you can make a move without a chemical crutch and that is empowering and exhilarating.

Finally, I’ve come to find the reaction to my sober revelation is a handy piece of data. I don’t engineer this situation by the way – I mainly find dates via apps and if they give me the boxes I say that I don’t drink. But people seem to miss them, and I don’t tend to mention my sobriety in conversation, largely because it is as innocuous to me now as the fact that I have brown hair.

So it typically arises on a date when I buy a drink.

The ‘green flag’ reactions include being largely nonplussed (mature, easy-going) and nonplussed with the addition of not letting me buy them a drink on the basis I’m having a lime and soda and they’re having something much more expensive (mature, easy-going and thoughtful).

The worst reaction I’ve had is someone mansplaining to me that a bit of red wine is good for you (yes –because it’s made from grapes, kid – you could just eat some grapes and get more antioxidants without the side of poison). That was a red flag for me, especially after he went on to correct me on various other life choices.

Somewhere in the middle there are those who are verbally positive but a little thrown off balance. For example, I’ve had guys apologise for arranging to meet in the pub, and many who go off on a little soliloquy about their habits – ‘I don’t drink much anymore’, ‘I only drink on weekends now’, that sort of thing. Years of vegetarianism gave me solid grounding for this (just swap above statements for ‘I mainly eat vegetarian now’ or ‘I only get meat from the local organic butchers’). I understand the slight defensiveness and don’t mind it so much, but I am left wondering how to react; should I be clapping enthusiastically? Awarding a sticker?

Returning to those who apologise for meeting in the pub. To me this just conveys the wider societal view of the pub as primarily a place to consume a drug rather than being a social space first and foremost. Taken on its own, I don’t see it as red flag and I typically reply with a bit of breezy humour. But in general I’m attracted to people who can apply a little critical thinking, so if I get the sense that they don’t think critically about anything, they don’t question anything at all, that’s unattractive to me.

So, what are my tips for the sober dating novice? Here are three high-level ones that I think are key….

1. Choose wisely. Are you using dating apps? Of course you are. I personally avoid profiles of people who lead heavily with alcohol-related stuff when outlining their interests – ‘gin’, ‘pub’, ‘Negronis’, ‘bottomless brunch’, ‘a good red wine’. Ditto where all their photos show them in a pub, bar or club. A bit of this mix is fine from my perspective, but if I see clues that someone’s life is very booze-based I swerve them. We’re just not likely to be a good fit in terms of how we spend our time
2. Be prepared to be asked why you’re not drinking.  It’s still unusual to be teetotal and it’s natural for someone to be curious. That does not mean you have to answer, and if you don’t want to, think about what you’ll say ahead of time. If you are happy to discuss it I would recommend experimenting with different lines to see how they feel, as I did in the early days. I eventually landed on a headline and some handy responses to follow-up questions that felt authentic to me and didn’t tend to prompt a ‘big’ conversation. I am comfortable talking about my past and present difficulties, my family history with alcohol and I’d share most of my darker drinking tales with a stranger on the bus, if they asked. But I’ve thought about this stuff a lot, talked it to death and it’s just a little dull to me now
3. Finally, bear in mind you will get thrown some curve balls when you disclose your sobriety, unexpected questions, negative reactions. You may not handle them exactly as you’d like early on because you’re learning. You’ll get there. The important thing is to be confident and happy in your choice and focus on the gift you are giving yourself every day. When you get to that place of peace, the rest will follow!

Photo by Joe Potato on istock.com